What is it Like Getting an Epidural?

All anyone ever told me was “it’s a HUGE needle going into your back, and you need to stay very still otherwise you’ll get paralyzed”

No pressure, right?

I was extremely nervous about getting this ‘giant needle’

I’d like to say I was mentally prepared for it. I mean, I did have 9 months to get ready. But i was far from it.

4 hours into labor, 4cm dilated and they offered me the epidural. I was shocked. Don’t they do that towards the end when you’re screaming in pain???

I was hesitant to get it. I thought I could tough it out a little longer. Really, I was procrastinating out of fear. I acknowledged that pretty quickly, and said yes to the epidural.

They had Joe leave the room. Told him he could take a walk since it would be about a 20-30 minute process.

He decided not to walk, and sat outside my room instead. What a great fiancé 🙂

The doctor came in, and the nurse had me sit at the edge of the bed. She held my hands and told me to squeeze them if I wanted to.

I continued to sit there for about 10 minutes while he set up everything and prepared my back for the epidural.

I obviously couldn’t see exactly what was going on back there, but I know he put Iodine all over, and had put some tape to isolate the area.

The time had come.

They told me to be very still and to NOT MOVE.

I tried my very best, but he hit a nerve that made my leg jolt. I had no control over it.

I thought I had just ruined everything, but they assured me everything was okay and they would try again.

This time was a breeze.

It went smoothly and I felt a rush of cold liquid down my spine.

It worked!

The nurse helped me lay back, and I waited for the numbness to arrive.

That was it! The experience of being numb is an entire blog post in itself, but the dreaded epidural wasn’t bad at all!

I would love to hear about your experience too.

What were your thoughts going into it?

How did the process differ from what you thought it was going to be?

Xo,

Michelle

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What is Labor Really Like?

Towards the end of my pregnancy, all I kept asking myself was “How will I know I’m in labor?”

All anyone kept telling me was “Oh, you will KNOW”

Very reassuring, right?

“It’s like super intense period cramps” the doctors would tell me.

They couldn’t be more accurate.

There’s no other way to describe it. It’s like the most intense period cramps you’ve ever had.

Here’s my labor story:

At 10pm I was in the bathroom washing my hands, getting ready for bed. I then was forced to bend over and hold myself up on the counter because I felt “period cramps”.

Labor had just begun.

I went into bed, mentioned to Joe that I thought I was in labor but wasn’t entirely sure. As the minutes went on, the intense cramps came in intervals, and they progressively got worse. I timed them for an hour, and sometimes they’d come every 5 minutes…sometimes every 2-3 minutes. The “cramps” lasted for about 45 seconds each time.

Off to the hospital we went.

They checked how dilated I was. I knew I was already 3cm from my prenatal visit earlier that day, but now I was 4cm.

By 2am they offered me the heavenly epidural. Of course my first question was “How am I supposed to go to the bathroom?”

Well, they insert a catheter into you every few hours. My heart dropped when the nurse told me. I always had a huge fear of catheters, but I honestly couldn’t feel a thing. Not a big deal at all.

I thought it was pretty early on to offer the epidural, but I am SO glad I got it when I did. I was able to sleep pretty well throughout the night and get some rest.

A few hours later, they broke my water (also didn’t feel a thing), and eventually they gave me pitocin to help dilate my cervix.

I started feeling super intense cramps at 11:45am and asked the nurse if she could give me more meds. She checked my cervix and said I was actually ready to push.

QUE THE WATERWORKS

You mean I’m actually about to have a child???? And you want me to push during the painful contractions???

Got myself together and we started the process. I thought it was gonna be like the movies with a bunch of people in the room.

Nope. Just me, Joe, and one nurse.

I pushed for 10 seconds, took a breath, pushed for another 10, took another breath, and did it again. We repeated this during my contractions.

Again, not a bad experience at all. Joe and I were talking and even laughing at times in between contractions. Finally Noah was ready to make his arrival. The doctor came in, I pushed a few more times, and Noah Braiden Beck was born at 12:34pm ❤

They put him on my chest, and time stopped. I can’t even describe the feeling of first meeting your child and looking into their eyes.

I wasn’t even aware of my placenta coming out (which Joe so graciously put on his Instagram story that day………thanks babe @j0ey_beck), or them stitching me up. All that mattered in that moment was the beautiful life we created out of love.

That was it.
Labor was nothing like the movies.

I had gone into it with fears of abandonment, and triggers from sexual traumas.
I thought I was going to lose my shit and cry the entire time.

None of that happened.
All those irrational fears were just occupying space in my mind.

I would do labor all over again.
Our bodies were made for this.

Birthing our child was a beautiful experience. There’s no reason to be afraid. During labor, you are surrounded by love and so many people to support you on your journey.

I had been told so many horror stories throughout my pregnancy, so I hope my story can help put some hearts at ease.

You are beautiful.
You are empowered.
You are strong.

Xo,
Michelle

8 Thoughts That Came Up When I Took My ‘Before’ Pictures

I’m so excited to start this journey

9 months of being pregnant. 8 weeks postpartum. I’m ready!!

Wait, can I actually do this?

Yeah, that little ego likes to come in and make me question everything. It all comes down to the core belief “I’m not good enough”.

Somewhere deep inside, I have this belief that I’m not good enough. Not good enough to be successful, to be with a man that loves me unconditionally, to have a body that I work so hard for… the list goes on.

There’s no reason to be ashamed of these beliefs. Wanna know why I’m happy I’m aware of them? So I can put action towards breaking those ridiculous things in my subconscious. Sharing my journey is part of that action.

What if I don’t look any different?

Ego again! Who cares if I don’t look any different? I’m trying. I’m starting.

I’M DOING THIS!

Action.

Noah is going to be so big in 80 days!

My sweet boy. I swear I just had him. He was just in my belly right?? I’m sad that he’s growing so fast, but I’m extremely happy to be able to watch him grow. What is he going to look like in 80 days?! Excited for his transformation picture too💙

How am I even going to be able to get to the gym every day?

The dreaded question…How? We reside in our heads when we ask that question. Instead of letting energy flow, and trusting the Universe, we try to figure it out and become paralyzed.

The Universe will provide a method for me to spend an hour at the gym. I’m not sure how. I’m not sure when. It will probably look different each day. But I’m accepting. I’ll be sure to share those methods with you.

I shouldn’t post these pictures

I just had a baby & I am far from having a toned, perfect body. It took me 9 months to get here, and it’s going to take me a while to get back. Prior to pregnancy, I was extremely identified with my body. My self worth came primarily from how I looked.

Pregnancy forced me to get rid of that identification.

For now.

There are no guarantees in life.

That identification could come creeping back up and help me learn some more lessons.

What I know to be true is: the demon is never fully conquered.

It takes work. Every single day.

So here I am posting my “before” photos.

Action.

I am not my eating disorder. Food is fuel

Anorexia and Binge Eating Disorder ruled my life for far too long. I have beliefs in my subconscious around food that I actively work on.

Do I want to feel like sh*t?

Of course not.

Then I won’t primarily eat foods that deplete my energy.

I will be mindful of my body and listen to what it wants.

Action.

Pregnancy does not ruin your body

I remember having conversations when I was younger where I’d say “I could never have kids because my body would be ruined. I’d never get it back”

How sick and sad.

Over the years, my beliefs around that topic changed greatly. I am a firm believer that women CAN get their bodies back, and I am here to be an example of that.

If you’re a mom who had a baby and are giving up before even starting. I dedicate my journey to you. I am committing to 80 days of self love, self care and transformation.

I’ll show you what’s truly possible.

Action.

07/23/2018

Starting Weight: 133.6lbs

To start your own transformation,

Click HERE

Fear cannot paralyze you any longer.

You’ve got this momma!

Xo,

Michelle

Breastfeeding During the First Week

It sounds so simple.

Feed the baby from your breast. Have him latch on, and he’ll be done in about 15 mins. Quick process right?

Wrong. So wrong.

During my pregnancy, a local store (Babies R Us) was hosting a free breastfeeding class. Of course I dragged Joe along with me (he is a complete angel and a bomb support system). I went into the class thinking there wasn’t much I was going to learn, because it was such a simple concept. Like, why did women even get Lactation Consultants?

I learned SO much from that class. That was the sole reason I was able to properly breastfeed Noah right after birth. The nurses were blown away at how easy it was for us.

After the first 2 feedings, however, Noah wanted to fall asleep while nursing, and the nurses kept telling me to wake up him to feed. He would latch, feed for a minute, and pass right out. Nurses were not happy with me.

“He needs to eat”
“He’s going to lose weight”
“Every 2-3 hours you need to feed him”
“A 5 minute feeding isn’t good enough”

Already the mom guilt was starting. I was taking the blame.

Disclaimer: I know the nurses were just doing their jobs. They were trying to keep my baby full and healthy. There was nothing wrong with what they were doing, but their approach had a pretty big emotional impact on me

3am rolls around, and its an hour long process to wake Noah, change his diaper, and try to feed him…Joe and I are exhausted.

By the time we leave the hospital, we’ve seen 2 lactation consultants and MY GOD what a difference that made. It was also extremely helpful to have Joe there with me. He was great at positioning the baby for me, and made the entire process a lot less stressful.

The first night home, we caved and gave him formula. It was so tough on Joe to see me having to be awake every 1-2 hours to breastfeed, and for him to not be able to help me. My milk still hadn’t come in yet, so I wasn’t even able to pump. Supplementing with formula allowed Mom to get some rest, and let Dad bond with the baby while feeding.

A week goes by and Noah is still hungry after eating from both breasts, and then eating again from the first breast. After he ate from me, he needed some formula.

This made me feel like a complete failure as a mother.

“I can’t even provide for my baby.
What am I doing wrong?
I’m not good enough for him that he needs the bottle.”

The thoughts just kept getting darker, and I was constantly on the verge of tears. I was starting to isolate myself and resorting back to my old coping mechanisms.

What has kept me sane is talking to other moms. Breastfeeding is not an easy thing to do, but I am not giving up. Mom’s tell me that the first month is the most challenging, and I believe them. It’s been almost 2 weeks, and this is slowly getting easier.

This is a topic I feel is not talked about enough. Mom’s go into it having these high expectations, but it doesn’t always play out that way.

Breastfeeding is okay.
Formula is okay.
Bottles are okay.

YOU are more than enough for your baby💙

Mindful Momma TIPS:

-Take a Breastfeeding class BEFORE giving birth
-Take that class with your partner
-See if the hospital can have the lactation consultant come in soon after you give birth
-Have formula and bottles in the house (the hospital gives you formula when they discharge you too!)

Xo,
Michelle